Jacob Zuma’s Unforgivable Sin

Jacob Zuma’s Unforgivable Sin Tsanga Tutankhamen Shanga It is said you really get to know how a person truly feels about when anger makes that person lose guard and blinding hatred loosens his or her tongue. In the immediate aftermath of the summit of the SACD troika in which Robert Mugabe was reminded that keeping a promise is honourable and honesty shows respect for others, all hell broke loose. It was Robert Mugabe himself who raised Cain from the dead and his ZANU-PF subordinates immediately followed suit. The primary target of that fury was you, President Jacob Zuma. Of course ZANU-PF is very contemptuous of the South African president. The kind of verbal abuse and even threats of violence unleashed since the momentous meeting in Livingstone (Zambia) can hardly have been said in the spur of the moment. Anger made ZANU-PF lose the plot and its guard to betray the disdain with which you, Jacob Zuma, are held with that party. If you, President Zuma, did not know it prior to the full-throttle verbal abuse by ZANU-PF, you must not have any doubt now ZANU-PF harbours a deeply seated animus against you and the ANC. As a matter of fact, ZANU-PF and the ANC have never been the most comfortable of partners even during the struggle for the liberation of Zimbabwe and South Africa, respectively. Now all pretense of kinship has been dropped. That kinship was always a humpty dumpty precariously seated on a wall. Straight from Zambia, Mugabe gave his wrecking crew the signal to push that humpty dumpty. He had to know that within that crowd is a certain chameleon trapped in a human body that will do anything to please him as atonement for previously organizing the failed Tsholotsho putsch. The Tsholotsho reptile is a one-man wrecking crew. As the smartest and most articulate character in ZANU-PF after Mugabe himself, the de facto ZANU-PF spokesman pushed the fragile humpty-dumpty-like brotherhood between ZANU-PF and the ANC. That humpty dumpty is shattered. Robert Mugabe and his official spokesman are frenetically trying to piece it together but there is no putting the humpty dumpty back together. The truth is out. It always has a sinister way of getting out - rine manyanga hari putirwe, as the Shona proverbs states. The game of ZANU-PF deceit is over. The ancients said that that which comes first out of a man’s mouth is the truth, and that which comes out later is only meant to deceive. ZANU-PF is busy telling you that they did not mean to insult you. If they really mean it, how come they have yet to say they are sorry for the indignities and insolence they have publicly heaped on you? Even if they say they are sorry, there are insincere. Watch what they do but listen not to what they say. Do not expect a public apology despite the public humiliation you have suffered at the hands of ZANU-PF. The reason you will not get an apology from ZANU-PF is very simple. You see, Mr Zuma, you committed a cardinal sin against the gods. In their own eyes, the people who run ZANU-PF think of themselves immortal gods. Human beings apologize to gods but not the other way round. Gods are above such acts like observing basic tenets and stricture of Ubuntu. Laws are made to be obeyed by mere mortals. These gods are above these temporal laws, which they flaunt with impunity. Going against them, like you and Rupiah Banda did in Livingstone, is not considered an offense a crime. No, it is worse than that. It is a sin, a sacrilege for which you must pay the heavy penalty of a public flogging like a petty criminal at the hands of a vigilante mob. ZANU-PF is not a political organization as far as the people who run it are concerned. It is a pantheon, a veritable House of Gods. God do not take marching orders from mere mortals. To ZANU-PF gods, you and Rupiah Banda, that other upstart north of the Zambezi River, are mere mortals. Yet there you were issuing directives to gods. How dare you? Now you know what the Zimbabwean people have had to endure for the past 31 years. We know these strange gods. As far as they are concerned, they are never at fault. They can go to Matebeleland and Midlands to slaughter 20000, as what happened to the Amalekites, and simply brush off the pogrom as a divine act carried out in a moment of holy fury. We know these gods. They act like they truly believe they are a consuming fire. They can run a robust economy into the ground but they are always blameless. Someone else has to be responsible for that. Incompetence? Not a problem! They can say the vilest words. Insolence? They can snatch food from the jaws of hungry children. Lack of decency? Not a problem! Gods do not suffer from these human frailties. These gods think they are immortal. They openly declare that the god of gods will rule forever like a Biblical Melchizedek that has neither a beginning nor an end. Douglas Mwonzora stupidly wanted to know if the god of gods was well but now he will be dragged to court in chains for offending the god of gods. That just shows you that these gods are hard to please. Like your predecessor, Thabo Mbeki, your duty is to pay obeisance to these gods as well as quietly do their bidding like defending them when they come under attack from gods that are far superior compared to them. Like Joseph Kabila discovered when he had to wait for a day to meet Robert Mugabe, you were expected to bend over backwards so that the god of gods, Robert Mugabe, could make a political wife out of you like he did with the Thabo Mbeki and, numerous local and regional leaders. Mr Zuma, you may recall an incident in 2008 just after the election and the gods unleashed their consuming fury on the Zimbabwean people. Asked what he was going to do to stop the grisly murders by the agents of the gods, Mr Mbeki said there was no problem in Zimbabwe to warrant concern on his part. The rest of the world was aghast at the apparent insensitivity. Zimbabweans were not. We knew what had happened to the son of Govan Mbeki. The generality of the Zimbabwean people came to view poor Thabo as a hopelessly effeminate political eunuch in Robert Mugabe’s political harem. Thabo Mbeki’s words in defense of the indefensible roguery of Mugabe’s agents rang hollow just as the words spoken by an abused wife in defense of her abusive husband despite an obvious swollen face after a beating. If Zimbabweans are cheerful today that joy comes from a simple fact that. It seems that at long last, in Rupiah Banda and you, Robert Mugabe has run into proud African men who will not permit ZANU-PF to politically vasectomization you so that you can be politically sodomized by Mugabe while his minions cheer him on. They are still trying to neuter you right now. They are sure you will buckle under pressure so they can do with you as they please. After you instructed ZANU-PF to cease and desist, but Mugabe’s thugs have not stopped. Poor parishioners, children and the elderly among them, were mercilessly gassed in a church one week after your ordered ZANU-PF from such dastardly acts. A party activist was abducted during the inhumane gassing of the House of God. A member of the majority party was charged for something as ludicrous as asking a benign question regarding Robert Mugabe’s wellbeing. The police commissioner, a sycophant of Robert Mugabe, initially threatened to arrest your emissaries in retaliation for your refusal to get vasectomized. When they arrive in Harare to monitor the signatories of the agreement brokered by you government, you emissaries were barred from the discussions. They were forced to retreated back with their tails between their legs. That was clearly meant to humiliate you. ZANU-PF is directly challenging you straight in your face. You will never be forgiven by ZANU-PF so you might as well quit trying to pacify them. For refusing to sacrifice your dignity on the altar of the god of the gods of ZANU-PF, you, Jacob Zuma, have been called a man not in control of anything in South Africa. You need to lose sleep over that accusation from ZANU-PF, a party that has presided over the complete destruction of Zimbabwe. If you were not restrained by your African tradition, you would publicly remind ZANU-PF that the proof of Mugabe’s failure to run anything productive is provided by hundreds of thousands of Zimbabweans living in South Africa. Zimbabweans know that but we are sorry nobody bothered to warn you ahead of time. It is unfortunate that you were stricken by the snake Thabo Mbeki rescued from drowning. A rescued snake knows no gratitude. Its first act once it is safe is to strike its rescuer. Of course Mugabe and his ZANU-PF team of sycophants and bottom feeders are not gods. They are actually the sorriest excuse for humanity for they have no sense of shame. You do not have to be bullied into a political eunuch by these clowns. Audaciously ZANU-PF made a subtle dig at your lack of university degrees. The Sunday Mail, which is controlled by ZANU-PF, is accusing you of being illiterate. You did not read the report put together before the troika meeting, charges the ZANU-PF propaganda rag. May be someone needs to remind ZANU-PF that Robert Mugabe has a whole raft of degrees but he has very little good to show for this degrees. Simply because a person has a degree does not mean he is educated. Mugabe is ample proof of that. As a result of being daft, little good has come out of his raft of degrees. Someone in South Africa needs to remind Robert Mugabe’s boys that the only degree that Mugabe has put to use is the degree in violence he claims to have. For that reason, hundreds of thousands of Zimbabweans have flocked to South Africa. On the contrary, you, Jacob Zuma may not have degrees like Robert Mugabe but you are educated on issues that matter the most to the people you leads. You use common sense. Jacob Zuma is a liability to Africa, charges ZANU-PF. That charge is a joke that could make a goat laugh. Perhaps you need to remind Mugabe’s boys that he has actually done more damage to the image of Africa. The justification for colonialism was always predicated on the basic premise that Africans were not really mentally mature to be responsible for their own wellbeing. Educating an African was as good as training a dog to carry out amusing tricks but, at the end, it would always be a dog, so went the argument used to degrade Africans. Now Africa’s detractors can point out what Mugabe and his numerous degrees have done to Zimbabwe as proof. Lastly, Mr Zuma, if you ever visit Zimbabwe, you must make sure you bring your own bottled water. Also make sure you have sentinels watching that water all the time lest it be tempered with. African tradition says you cannot turn down food when your host offers but you must remember that these ZANU-PF creatures are not Africans at all. Besides, African tradition does not encourage you to knowingly walk into a deathtrap and expect benevolent ancestral spirits to rescue you from malevolent gods.

They Are Not White Farmers

by T. Tut Tsanga, 31st December 2008 Two years ago, I ran into a new black farmer who had acquired a farm famous for producing huge groundnuts, mazambani. I wanted to know if this new farmer was still growing the famous groundnuts. "No," he said. "I don't. We now grow flowers that we export to Europe. Eeh, how did you know that farm?" “I did not know you are now growing flowers on that farm,” I said without bothering to answer his question. It was startling. “Why flowers?” “My friend, they can’t eat flowers. The labourers are thieves. If I grow groundnuts and other edible crops like maize, the labourers will steal the crops to feed their families. Listen,” he said as he realized that I had been stunned speechless, “I am running a business not a charity.” I knew the farm. The black farmer bought the farm from the commercial farmer with assistance from a government minister. One of my great grandmothers, an immigrant from Malawi, and my great grandfather, a Shona from Murehwa, met while working on a farm adjacent to the farm Mugabe’s black farmer now owned. Inevitably we had a lot of relatives who worked as farm labourers and my grandmother used to take me along whenever she visited our relatives. The visits were memorable. We had beans, salted and dried bakayawo fish, cultured milk, sugar, you name it. The “white” farmer was not an angel but he was kind enough to give his labourers food. Contrast that with his “black” successor who now grows flowers while his labourers starve. Since the labourers’ children cannot eat flowers, the poor kids have to hunt for crickets and wild fruits to survive. That is Mugabe’s land policy right there. It is a failure and people, the inordinate majority of them black, are going to starve. Just like the heartless flower grower put it, they can’t eat flowers. Children digging up crickets and gathering wild fruits is what passes for black empowerment in ZANU-PF. It is this revolution that has to be guarded, says Robert Mugabe. Inevitably, I wanted to know if most of the farm workers were still under the employment of the new farmer. “Manyasarande aye takaatandanisa! – We got rid of all the Nyasalanders!” he chortled as he congratulated himself for dismissing the labourers he had inherited from the white farmer. Mugabe’s black farmer had deeply seated contempt for the black workers. To him, they were Malawian interlopers hence the use of the profoundly derogatory Manyasarande colonial-era epithet. Munyasarande is a loaded noun. It captures a terrible stereotype of someone who is a permanent alien, a person incapable of assimilation into a new cultural environment and, therefore, irredeemably and hopelessly uncultured. The original immigrants are all dead and all their descendants are Zimbabwean, any which way you look at it. However, to this ignoramus Mugabe farmer, the "Nyasarande" traits are heritable like Adam’s sin. I was furious. I have relatives of Malawian extraction who are some of the most patriotic, honest, God-loving and ethically enterprising Zimbabweans. They have never been to Malawi and yet Mugabe’s goofball was dismissing them as gypsies. For all of Mugabe’s endless incantations about African Solutions for African Problems, the attitude of this beneficiary of the ZANU-PF’s catastrophic land program had no iota of sympathy for a fellow black African. Some will say I should have known that Mugabe’s cronies are as insincere as the man himself. You will have to excuse my French, folks, I was pissed off big time! The black farmer’s supremacist attitude encapsulates the mentality of the circle of lunatics that surrounds Mugabe. They are shameless bearers of false witness and will blatantly lie if it gives them political and material mileage. The ZANU-PF farmer's xenophobic characterization of the farm labourers fits the ZANU-PF modus operandi. Like Munyaradzi Wasosa put it, when a leopard wants to eat its children it starts by accusing them of smelling like goats. If anyone stands in the way of the Mugabe crime syndicate, nothing will keep the supposed offender from a torrent of invective and, increasingly, abductions, torture and gruesome death. That is how the Stalinist-Maoists in ZANU-PF operate. It comes straight from the playbook of Joe Stalin whereby you dehumanize and demonize your victims first and then rob them of their property and lives thereafter. When ZANU-PF wants to give commercial farms as gifts or bribes to placate disgruntled party followers, Zimbabwean commercial farmers are attacked as white farmers, a charge which is equivalent to calling the farmers unrepentant racists. How can all the farmers who used to produce enough food to feed the entire region be racists? Incredibly, the same land is now owned by Mugabe’s cronies, most of whom had never even cultivated a backyard garden of vegetables before receiving the farms as payment for loyalty to Mugabe’s revolution. It is widely believed that some of these new farmers keep the farms so they can get subsidized fuel, seeds and fertilizer that are then sold on the black market. Farming requires constant and monomaniacal attention. I have to wonder where someone like Samuel Mumbengegwi gets the time to be both a viable commercial farmer and a minister, even in a completely dysfunctional government. The truth of the matter is that it is not just the commercial farmers that have been demonized by the ZANU-PF Mafia. “Puppets and prostitutes!” shouts Mugabe when blacks object to his disasterous policies; When Justin Mukoko decided to go and catalogue acts of terrorism and theft of food aid perpetrated by ZANU-PF, she got charged with terrorism with the possibility of get hanged if convicted in Mugabe’s kangaroo court. What the colonialists did to Nehanda Nyakasikana, the ZANU-PF nationalists want to do to Justina Mukoko. People born and bred in Zimbabwe are quickly labelled foreigners / Manyasarande they pointed out refuse to vote for the continuance of Mugabe’s ineptitude running of the country. The irony of it all is that there are some rumours, which are silly in my opinion, to the effect that Mugabe himself has Malawian / Nyasarande blood flowing in his veins. What we know is that one of his nephews, Patrick Zhuwao, definitely has a Chikunda name. Zhuwao is an indigenized Portuguese name Joao. Comrade Mugabe may profess to hate the British but he seems to like aping them at every opportunity. He tries to speak English like a Britisher. When it comes to dividing and conquering, the man learnt a lot from his colonial masters. Criminals in ZANU-PF may have arrogated to themselves the right to determine who is and who is not Zimbabwean but we do not have to ape them. We need to renounce ZANU-PF’s xenophobic lexicon once and for all. There are no white farmers, there are no Manyasarande, there are no Mandevere and there are no Maindiya. Their forebears might have come to present-day Zimbabwe from different parts of the world and at different times but that must not be the defining character to their citizenship. These are Zimbabweans, pure and simple. Anyone who insists otherwise must be considered a criminal.

They Are Not White Farmers

31st December 2008 Two years ago, I ran into a new black farmer who had acquired a farm famous for producing huge groundnuts, mazambani. I wanted to know if this new farmer was still growing the famous groundnuts. "No," he said. "I don't. We now grow flowers that we export to Europe. Eeh, how did you know that farm?" “I did not know you are now growing flowers on that farm,” I said without bothering to answer his question. It was startling. “Why flowers?” “My friend, they can’t eat flowers. The labourers are thieves. If I grow groundnuts and other edible crops like maize, the labourers will steal the crops to feed their families. Listen,” he said as he realized that I had been stunned speechless, “I am running a business not a charity.” I knew the farm. The black farmer bought the farm from the commercial farmer with assistance from a government minister. One of my great grandmothers, an immigrant from Malawi, and my great grandfather, a Shona from Murehwa, met while working on a farm adjacent to the farm Mugabe’s black farmer now owned. Inevitably we had a lot of relatives who worked as farm labourers and my grandmother used to take me along whenever she visited our relatives. The visits were memorable. We had beans, salted and dried bakayawo fish, cultured milk, sugar, you name it. The “white” farmer was not an angel but he was kind enough to give his labourers food. Contrast that with his “black” successor who now grows flowers while his labourers starve. Since the labourers’ children cannot eat flowers, the poor kids have to hunt for crickets and wild fruits to survive. That is Mugabe’s land policy right there. It is a failure and people, the inordinate majority of them black, are going to starve. Just like the heartless flower grower put it, they can’t eat flowers. Children digging up crickets and gathering wild fruits is what passes for black empowerment in ZANU-PF. It is this revolution that has to be guarded, says Robert Mugabe. Inevitably, I wanted to know if most of the farm workers were still under the employment of the new farmer. “Manyasarande aye takaatandanisa! – We got rid of all the Nyasalanders!” he chortled as he congratulated himself for dismissing the labourers he had inherited from the white farmer. Mugabe’s black farmer had deeply seated contempt for the black workers. To him, they were Malawian interlopers hence the use of the profoundly derogatory Manyasarande colonial-era epithet. Munyasarande is a loaded noun. It captures a terrible stereotype of someone who is a permanent alien, a person incapable of assimilation into a new cultural environment and, therefore, irredeemably and hopelessly uncultured. The original immigrants are all dead and all their descendants are Zimbabwean, any which way you look at it. However, to this ignoramus Mugabe farmer, the "Nyasarande" traits are heritable like Adam’s sin. I was furious. I have relatives of Malawian extraction who are some of the most patriotic, honest, God-loving and ethically enterprising Zimbabweans. They have never been to Malawi and yet Mugabe’s goofball was dismissing them as gypsies. For all of Mugabe’s endless incantations about African Solutions for African Problems, the attitude of this beneficiary of the ZANU-PF’s catastrophic land program had no iota of sympathy for a fellow black African. Some will say I should have known that Mugabe’s cronies are as insincere as the man himself. You will have to excuse my French, folks, I was pissed off big time! The black farmer’s supremacist attitude encapsulates the mentality of the circle of lunatics that surrounds Mugabe. They are shameless bearers of false witness and will blatantly lie if it gives them political and material mileage. The ZANU-PF farmer's xenophobic characterization of the farm labourers fits the ZANU-PF modus operandi. Like Munyaradzi Wasosa put it, when a leopard wants to eat its children it starts by accusing them of smelling like goats. If anyone stands in the way of the Mugabe crime syndicate, nothing will keep the supposed offender from a torrent of invective and, increasingly, abductions, torture and gruesome death. That is how the Stalinist-Maoists in ZANU-PF operate. It comes straight from the playbook of Joe Stalin whereby you dehumanize and demonize your victims first and then rob them of their property and lives thereafter. When ZANU-PF wants to give commercial farms as gifts or bribes to placate disgruntled party followers, Zimbabwean commercial farmers are attacked as white farmers, a charge which is equivalent to calling the farmers unrepentant racists. How can all the farmers who used to produce enough food to feed the entire region be racists? Incredibly, the same land is now owned by Mugabe’s cronies, most of whom had never even cultivated a backyard garden of vegetables before receiving the farms as payment for loyalty to Mugabe’s revolution. It is widely believed that some of these new farmers keep the farms so they can get subsidized fuel, seeds and fertilizer that are then sold on the black market. Farming requires constant and monomaniacal attention. I have to wonder where someone like Samuel Mumbengegwi gets the time to be both a viable commercial farmer and a minister, even in a completely dysfunctional government. The truth of the matter is that it is not just the commercial farmers that have been demonized by the ZANU-PF Mafia. “Puppets and prostitutes!” shouts Mugabe when blacks object to his disasterous policies; When Justin Mukoko decided to go and catalogue acts of terrorism and theft of food aid perpetrated by ZANU-PF, she got charged with terrorism with the possibility of get hanged if convicted in Mugabe’s kangaroo court. What the colonialists did to Nehanda Nyakasikana, the ZANU-PF nationalists want to do to Justina Mukoko. People born and bred in Zimbabwe are quickly labelled foreigners / Manyasarande they pointed out refuse to vote for the continuance of Mugabe’s ineptitude running of the country. The irony of it all is that there are some rumours, which are silly in my opinion, to the effect that Mugabe himself has Malawian / Nyasarande blood flowing in his veins. What we know is that one of his nephews, Patrick Zhuwao, definitely has a Chikunda name. Zhuwao is an indigenized Portuguese name Joao. Comrade Mugabe may profess to hate the British but he seems to like aping them at every opportunity. He tries to speak English like a Britisher. When it comes to dividing and conquering, the man learnt a lot from his colonial masters. Criminals in ZANU-PF may have arrogated to themselves the right to determine who is and who is not Zimbabwean but we do not have to ape them. We need to renounce ZANU-PF’s xenophobic lexicon once and for all. There are no white farmers, there are no Manyasarande, there are no Mandevere and there are no Maindiya. Their forebears might have come to present-day Zimbabwe from different parts of the world and at different times but that must not be the defining character to their citizenship. These are Zimbabweans, pure and simple. Anyone who insists otherwise must be considered a criminal.

Zimbabwe's Political Reptiles

Zimbabwe has two troublesome reptiles; call it Zimbabwean’s reptilian problem if you want. One is from Tsholotsho and the other one is from Mberengwa. These two reptiles work very well as a team; at least they think they do. One works as the brainy thinker while the other works as a brutal brawny enforcer. Sooner or later they will turn on each other especially in light of the unpredictable character of the Tsholotsho reptile.

Whatever aura of invincibility that it has been trying to build around itself lately, recent events have dealt the Mberengwa reptile a telling blow to its political ambitions. These events, some of its own making and others beyond its control, clearly show that this reptile lacks foresight and may actually betray political ineptitude on its part. Some would go as far as saying that the Mberengwa reptile has always been more dependent on its brawn than its brain in spite of the fact that it is said to be a lawyer by training. For that reason, it still finds time to amuse itself with thoughts and dreams of becoming president of the Republic of Zimbabwe, a position that can only be legitimately occupied by a human being rather than a reptile trapped in the body of a human being.

Africa’s tired and discredited nationalist parties always need one or two reptiles to sustain their grip on power. In Zimbabwe, the Mberengwa reptile has been quite useful for ZANU-PF not because of its wits, if it has any, but its willingness to use violence. Although it has the physical attributes of a human being, you begin realize that it is actually a reptile as soon as it starts talking. This reptile, like all reptiles trapped in human bodies, talks before its brains are in motion. That will be the beginning of its end. A fool’s tongue brings it nothing but ruin.

If reports are to be believed, it made a very curious graveside confession. “I was trained to kill and destroy,” it is reported to have blurted out as it buried its brother. Perhaps these words were aroused by a sudden realization of its own mortality or a touch of Ubuntu morality, typically absent in reptiles, descended upon it thereby prompting the strange graveside confession.

It is a strange confession because, for starters, the Mberengwa reptile is said to have claimed to be a born-again Christian. Confession in the Christian or moral sense, is the first step towards getting absolved. Simply professing the acceptance of Jesus Christ as a savior is not enough. The words have to show contrition and acceptance of deliberate wrong doing. The reptile’s supposed confession clearly lacked contrition.

As a lawyer, one would think the Mberengwa reptile would know the difference between killing and murdering. Killing is what happens when one of equally armed combatants loses his or her life. It is the culmination of a struggle between equals. In non-legal terms, killing and destroying are what one does to pests like rats and cockroaches.

The victims of the Gukurahundi Genocide were not as well armed as the Fifth Brigade militia, NEVER! They were practically unarmed civilians. Calling their loss of life a killing is actually insulting the memory of the innocent Zimbabweans who perished at the hands of a militia said by Enos Nkala to have been answerable to the Mberengwa reptile and its talkative master. Lest we have forgotten it, Nkala was the Minister of Defense at that time. Former Defense Minister Nkala’s words pointedly implicated the Mberengwa reptile and its talkative master.

Let us dispense with the parlance of evasions and call a spade by its name. Zimbabweans who perished in the Gukurahundi Genocide were murdered in cold blood! They were not as well-armed as the militia led by the Mberengwa reptile and its talkative master. The victims were not pests like rats and cockroaches either. The people who died because of Operation Murambatsvina were not killed but were murdered! Zimbabweans who were maimed or who lost their lives during Operation Mavhoterapapi were not destroyed but murdered!

It may be true that a reptile cannot tell the distinction between killing and murdering. That is the reason it was created a reptile, even if, by quirk of nature, it was trapped in the body of a human being. Its own words, if it said them, condemn it as a cold-blooded venomous reptile trapped in the body of a human being.

To nobody’s surprise, it has teamed up with another reptile from Tsholotsho, the bald-headed chameleon that fancies a cowboy hat. Said chameleon once said its father was killed during Operation Gukurahundi – why soften the horrible act by calling it a killing instead of murder? Zimbabweans know the answer now because the Tsholotsho reptile is back to its old ways, dancing on its father’s grave with the cold-blooded venomous Mberengwa reptile implicated by Former Defense Minister Nkala.

Some people have called the Tsholotsho reptile a prostitute. That is an unnecessary, unfair and deeply insulting slur. The accusers have to apologize to all the prostitutes for being degraded to the level of a reptile that only survives by changing its coat colours to deceive its enemies and fair-weather friends. Prostitutes are but women forced by desperation to engage in, and endure, the undignified act of using their bodies to survive. It is a last act of desperate women facing desperate times. The Tsholotsho reptile cannot be considered desperate if rumours of it handing out wads of American dollars, while stupidly claiming that Zimbabwe will never be a colony again reptilian-style, to buy votes. Consequently, to call the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile a prostitute is an insult to all prostitutes.

These two troublesome reptiles, previously accused of trying to overthrow their talkative master but failed because it is the fate of reptiles to fail every time they confront human beings, have lately been up to their old reptilian games again. While the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile has been spitting venomous saliva and causing mayhem by going to courts presided over by reptilian judges, the cold-blooded venomous Mberengwa reptile has been recruiting, training and arming mobs of drug-addled zombies to not only bay for but also spill the blood of innocent Zimbabweans whose only crime is to want freedom from reptiles.

Fortunately, the irreversibly changing world political climate is conspiring against these two reptilian monsters. The scent of change is even detectable in the den of the reptiles. When the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile tried to undo the will of the Zimbabwean people by overthrowing the speaker of parliament, it failed. In a very hilarious tactic, it is said that the human beings nominated the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile for the Speaker of Parliament of Zimbabwe. By so doing, the decent human beings hornswoggled the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile from voting, a classic and hilarious neutering of the vile reptile.

To add to its wretched trail of failure, the vote revealed to the nation the existence of at least two human beings in the den of the reptiles. The two decent human beings decided to cast their lot with fellow human beings against the reptiles with whom they co-habitat. The wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile is not very happy. It is reportedly wriggling and hissing in a fit of reptilian fury.

When the inevitable happens, the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile is going to find itself countersued into a pitiful beggar. The cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile will have to count itself lucky to find itself sued. Having set the precedent by chaining Elton Mangoma, the hideous way Africans were brought to the slave auction, for unproven charges of corruption, while a certain mediocre university lecturer who suddenly accrued vast tracts of prime land once appointed minister not because of competence but patronage goes scot-free, the Zimbabwean people are watching and soaking up every act of injustice perpetrated at the behest of the troublesome reptiles each and every day. Human justice will be visited upon these reptiles trapped in human bodies.

Since the cold-blooded reptile claims to have found comfort in the arms of Jesus, perhaps it will remember that said comforter said that as you do unto others so shall be done unto you, by what measure you measure so will you be measured. Soon this reptile will find itself manacled and dragged to court for the crimes of murder. A cage in The Hague, Milosevic-style, may be too nice. The cage and its reptile must be taken to every village in Matebeleland and Midlands so that the reptile can be held accountable and tried 20,000 times.

The two troublesome reptiles know this reality is getting closer and closer. They ought to know how human beings deal with troublesome reptiles. They either tame the reptiles by looping off their poison glands or get rid of them by looping off their heads. To fend off their fate, they have recruited two young reptiles. The one in Zimbabwe talks like it has psychological problems only a n’anga from Maroro can cure, perhaps a traditional renaming rite may remove the apparent curse/psychosis typical of psychological imbalance.

The other young reptile peddles wishful reptilian thoughts, perhaps for the proverbial thirty pieces of silver, as historical human facts. This young reptile says the tsunami sweeping across North Africa and the Middle East (NAME) is a quirk that will gain no traction in Sub-Saharan Africa. The Zimbabwean reptile in Oxford England, the breeding and grooming hatchery of the British vampires trapped in human bodies, curiously cites the case of Laurent Gbagbo, the la Cote D’Ivorie reptile that no sensible African wants milling around the halls of power.

Despite recruiting, training and arming mobs of drug-addled zombies to not only bay for but shed the blood of the innocent people of the Ivory Coast who want freedom from reptiles, unsubstantiated rumours of help from the cold-blooded Mberengwa reptile have been whispered, Gbagbo is pinned down in the presidential palace he mysteriously believes he owns until death do part him from the house. Laurent Gbagbo is trapped. Abidjan Airport is now out of his control, which means he will either die like a rat trapped in a burning hut or he will have to walk straight into detention to await trial for subverting the will of the people.

Laurent Gbagbo’s fate was determined the moment regional powers blatantly refused to endorse his continued grip on power in defiance of the will of the citizens of Cote D’Ivorie who wanted him gone from the halls of power. The talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile now faces the same predicament. Initially, the regional powers had endorsed the grip on power by the talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile. These regional powers were swindled into believing that their words and sincerity would be respected.

Now the regional powers know what the Zimbabwean people have known for the past 31 years. The talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile dismisses sincerity as gullibility to be scoffed off and, sincerity as a weakness of character deserving of getting short shrift. Instead of getting words of gratitude for letting the talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile retain power in spite of being overwhelmingly rejected by the decent people of Zimbabwe, the regional powers suddenly find themselves getting publicly insulted. Despite making sure that the talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile remained in power notwithstanding obvious incapacitation by age, illness and electoral rejection, Jacob Zuma is now getting publicly insulted and ridiculed.

Despite hiring the reptile in a kanguwani to tell them what they want to hear instead of the truth, the fate of our troublesome reptiles is now sealed, hence the opening salvo of insults. After being made to look like a pack of fools, SADC leaders are literally sick and tired of ZANU-PF reptilian shenanigans thus culminating in President Rupiah Banda ordering the talkative master of the two troublesome reptiles to shut up and dismissing its talkative ways as nonsensical.

In 2008, the two reptiles were in the Last Chance Saloon. They should have packed their bags and left quietly in the manner of the murderous Peter Walls, insolent Ian Douglas Smith, and the grinning clown called Abel Muzorewa Bishop of Beelzebub. Instead of listening to the lying liar in a kanguwani, the troublesome reptiles should be trying to find a way they can get painlessly accommodated in the coming national order. They get another opportunity to save their reptilian skins in the Last Chance Saloon.